"King" George W. Bush, Karl "The Traitor" Rove and Dick "Lon" Chaney all leap off the empire state building at the same instant. Who will land first?

 

 

 

Who cares? 

******* DIRTY JOKE ALERT *****

Why did Bush cross the road?

 

 

 

Because his d--- was stuck in the chicken.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!" The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you guess?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well" said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

HMMMMM! SOUND LIKE SOME PEOPLE WE KNOW, MC?

A man is wandering around on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals. He passes by a butcher shop that specializes in human brains. The sign outside read: 'ARTIST BRAINS: $100 AN OUNCE; SCIENTIST BRAINS: $250 AN OUNCE; PHILOSOPHER BRAINS: $300 AN OUNCE; DEMOCRAT BRAINS $1,000 AN OUNCE. The man looked at the sign at said to the clerk: "man, those democrat brains must be popular."
"Popular? Are you kidding?" Replied the clerk. "Do you know how many democrats you have to kill to get an ounce of brains?!"

You Know You're Gay When...

Author Unknown

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.

2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.

3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.

4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.

5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.

6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.

7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.

8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.

9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.

10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.

11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.

12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.

13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.

14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.

15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

16. Your pets always have great names.

17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.

18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.

19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.

20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.

22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.

23. You get to choose your family.

24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.

25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.

27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.

28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.

29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.

30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

31. You know how to "air kiss".

32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.

33. You know how to dress strategically.

34. You know when to move out and move on.

35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.

36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.

37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.

38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.

39. You know which wine to bring.

40. Sales clerks don't mess with you.

41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.

43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.

44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.

45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.

47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

48. You have the latest International Male catalog.

49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.

50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.

Q: What is the difference between unlawful and illeagal?
A: Unlawful is against the law. Ill eagle is a sick bird.

Phantom wrote:

---

******* DIRTY JOKE ALERT *****
Why did Bush cross the road?
 
 
 
Because his d--- was stuck in the chicken.

---

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?


Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Alvin Toffler: Because the chicken was suffering from future shock.(Barbara Llorente)

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take

John Locke: Because it was exercising its natural right to liberty.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

John F. Kennedy Er ist ein Roadcrosser

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

The Bible: God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Oliver Stone It was a government conspiracy.
(Barbara Llorente)

Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan: To verify through measurement and research explorational, Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational. And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal, To be the very model of a modern chicken-general.

E.O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a behavioral trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from rivals, thereby distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and increasing their reproductive potential.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its
mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

John Wayne: 'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.

F. Lee Bailey: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time and who did we overlook in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2002, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Bill Clinton: I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Perry Mason I don't know, but I intend to find out. Della, get Paul on the phone for me. (Becca Love)

Marlin Perkins While Jim wrestles the chicken across the road I'll be taking a nap here in the tent. (Blackbeard)

Stevie Wonder Chicken, what chicken? (Becca Love)

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Aristotle: Because one chicken cannot be more chicken than another.

Nietzsche: The chicken crossed the road, but it will take time for the consequences of the chicken's actions to be felt by the common chicken.(Barbara Llorente)

Jean Chrétien Da chicken crossed da road because 'e 'ad da plan. (Bert Christensen)

Former President George Bush To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Current President George W. Bush It will be a long crossing that is for sure, and we ask all pedestrians and automobiles for their patience as it crosses the road. But make no mistake about it, it WILL cross the road! It will prevail!

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

The Jihad: The chicken crossed the road hoping for martyrdom.(Barbara Llorente)

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Adolph Hitler: To purify the chicken race.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road.
But why she crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Osama bin Laden To strike at the heart of the infidels. Praise be to Allah! (Jaco Strauss)

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Buddha: Therefore, on the road there is no chicken, no road, nor perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road no chicken no crossing... only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. "But, O Buddha," said Sariputta, "what is that crossing the road before us at this moment?" And the great One replied,"A chicken, Sariputta." "But why, O great One, does it cross the road?" "To get to the other side, Sariputta." Om.

Arthur O. Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

But, we will never know because the chicken was shredded before it reached the other side.

Stockwell Day: I pray for this chicken, as surely as I pray for all godless heathens who refuse to share my beliefs in total. And I am not saying this because I am a sanctimonious prig, but because I surely believe that yeah, although the chicken has crossed the Road of Death, he is still in danger of falling into the Frying Pan of Hell if he does not cross back to the good, the moral, the Right side of the road -- mine.

-- Edited by jspeer at 23:09, 2005-11-15

That was a good one.

What does Snoop Dog use in his laundry?

Ble-och 

Q:  How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb???

 

 

 

 

 

 

A:  It only takes one, and she doesn't have to do anything.  Just hold the bulb and the world revolves around her.